Fish Out of Water
by abfiaj
Summary: Chico is hired by a wealthy businessman to become a fish vendor. Needless to say, it goes horribly wrong. Chapter 2 Up!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1: Job Interview

Disclaimer: I own all characters in this story besides Chico.

(At a businessroom)

Mr. Devon: (with a thick German accent) No, I will not have it! Business is going significantly down, and your advertising campaigns are horrible!

Steve: But sir, it's not my fault that the people don't appreciate my talent for juggling fish!

Mr. Devon: I am sorry, but you are fired!

Steve: Please, sir, give me just one more chance. I promise I won't screw up again.

Mr. Devon: No! Now get!

(Steve leaves.)

Mr. Devon: (pushes button on the call machine) Secretary! Send up the man for the job interview!

Secretary: Certainly, sir.

(At the secretary's desk)

Secretary: Mr. Devon will see you now, sir.

Fondulini: Thatsa very good, thatsa very nice! Say, you're a nice-looking gal.

Secretary: Why, thank you, sir.

Fondulini; Say, whatsa that on-a the wall?

Secretary: Oh, this? Why, this is a plaque awarded to Mr. Devon for his outstanding skills in his field,

Fondulini: Say, I got-a the plaque right here.

(He opens his mouth and shows her one of his teeth.)

Secretary: No, an award.

Fondulini: Yes, like-a the King Artur. He had an award, Ex-a-calibur.

Secretary: No, sir. Not "sword." Award!

Fondulini: Oh, thatsa my mistake. So, how do I getta to the office?

Secretary: Take these stairs up to the fifth floor, and it's the fourth door on the right.

Fondulini: I'm-a sorry, but could you write-a the map?

Secretary: Sir, it's very simple. Walk up five flights and you'll see his name on the door.

Fondulini: Thatsa quincidence. I got-a the flight two weeks ago to Denver.

Secretary: (losing patience) Sir, please just walk upstairs and find the room!

Fondulini: You don't have-a to yell like-a that. If you were-a that clear before, then-a I could have-a been up there before we-a finished here.

(He leaves the secretary, who is completely baffled. Fondulini walks up the stairs and finds a door that says "Henri Q. Devon, Manager.")

Mr. Devon: Yes! Come in! Come in!

Fondulini: Hello, there!

Mr. Devon: Why, you must be the young man who called about the position!

Fondulini: Thatsa right, I want-a to work at the fish cart.

Mr. Devon: Well, business is quite low now, and I just want to ask you a few questions.

Fondulini: Sure, but-a first I just wanna know one thing?

Mr. Devon: What?

Fondulini: How much does-a the job pay?

Mr. Devon: Why, it pays about… $25 dollars a week.

Fondulini: Thatsa no good. You see, I gotta feed-a my wife and-a kids.

Mr. Devon: You have a wife and kids?

Fondulini: Thatsa correct. You see, my wife is a home-a-maker, so she makes-a the home. In fact, she made-a the whole home. She's a carpenter. Now-a my kids are much-a different than-a ordinary kids. They-a love-a to work.

Mr. Devon: But if your kids work, why do you need a job?

Fondulini: Well-a, you see, my kids work in-a school, but they no getta pay. They work-a very hard, but they no getta paid one cent. They do-a their homework, but the teacher no give-a them money.

Mr. Devon: (laughing) What makes you think the school would give them money?

Fondulini: Well-a, the other kids say that-a the teacher is-a pretty cheap, but my kids say that he's-a generous. If he's-a not cheap, then he should be paying-a my kids.

Mr. Devon: Aah, delightful. Now, to business. Mr. Fondulini, what qualities do you have that would make you an ideal fish vendor?

Fondulini: Well, you see, I used-a to sell fish eggs. Since-a fish eggs are-a more delicate than-a fish, then-a I would be perfect for-a the job.

Mr. Devon: What do you think would be a nice advertising campaign?

Fondulini: I don't know. But I do gotta da campaign in the head. You got asprin?

Mr. Devon: No, I don't have asprin.

Fondulini: Good, I don't need it. Whassa matta with you? You know if you give-a asprin to someone whosa no sick, then they could getta sick.

Mr. Devon: But I thought… Oh, never mind. What do you think would make a good motto for the stand?

Fondulini: A motto? Why, what's a motto with you?

Mr. Devon: No, a slogan!

Fondulini: Oh, a slogan. Well, what about "Two for a dollar"?

Mr. Devon: But we don't sell two for a dollar.

Fondulini: Thatsa all right. You see, we tell-a the customers that-a we sell two fish for a dollar, but then we tell-a them that-a we no gotta that kind of fish, but we can-a give-a them some better fish for-a da better price. But we just give them the same fish as always, and we make-a more money.

Mr. Devon: Could we really do that?

Fondulini: Of course we could do that.

Mr. Devon: But wouldn't that be lying?

Fondulini: Well, aren't there 'lying fish?

Mr. Devon: I think you mean flying fish.

Fondulini: Ah, you crazy. Fish no fly. If fish flied, the eagles would gulp-a them up every day.

Mr. Devon: (laughs) Well, I like you. You're hired.

Fondulini: Oh, thank-a you, boss. I won't let you down.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The Fish Cart

(at the fish cart)

Mr. Devon: Now, Fondulini, this here is the fish cart. I need you to sell the fish on this fish cart and make me money.

Fondulini: Then whadda you need me for?

Mr. Devon: To sell the fish, of course!

Fondulini: Oh, sorry about that. You see, I was-a just thinking that-a perhaps you could-a do it yourself.

Mr. Devon: I can't do this myself, my good man. Fish is my health's Trojan Horse.

Fondulini: Yeah, my throat is-a horse too.

Mr. Devon: What? (coming out of his daze) Oh, never mind. I wish you to very best of luck, Fondulini.

Fondulini: You got it, boss. I no let-a you down.

Mr. Devon: Splendid!

(He walks off. A lady wearing silk furs walks by the cart.)

Fondulini: Hey, lady.

Rich Lady: Yes?

Fondulini: You wanna some fish?

Rich Lady: Um, no, my good sir. I do not like cod.

Fondulini: Thatsa all right. I-a no give you the cut, I give-a you the whole fish.

Rich Lady: What kind of fish do you have?

Fondulini: Well, letsa see. I gotta halibut, sturgeon…

Rich Lady: You have sturgeon?

Fondulini: No, I only go to him if I've gotta broken bones.

Rich Lady: Oh, never mind. Do you have… halibut?

Fondulini: No, but I gotta halibutton.

Rich Lady: Halibutton?

Fondulini: Yes, thatsa Dick Cheney's corporation.

Rich Lady: Who's Dick Cheney?

Fondulini: Never mind, what else-a you want?

Rich Lady: Do you have flounder?

Fondulini: Sure.

Rich Lady: Do you even know what a flounder is?

Fondulini: Sure. George Washington was-a the flounder of America.

Rich Lady: Oh, forget it. My husband prefers lox. The fish you have, is there lox?

Fondulini: Of course! I've got lox and lox of fish.

Rich Lady: You really are a pest, aren't you?

Fondulini: No, lady, I know-a nothing about pests. Birds live in-a pests, and fish live in-a the ocean.

Rich Lady: That is it! I have had it! I'm leaving!

Fondulini: Don't you wanna your fish?

Rich Lady: Oh!

(She leaves. A young man and a woman walk over to him.)

Young Man: Hello, sir. My wife and I are looking for some fresh fish to make for our block party.

Fondulini: This ain't-a no lox party! But we do gotta have some other fish.

Young Woman: Like what? Would you happen to have minnow?

Fondulini: Yep, I've gotta gin… oh!

Young Man: (looks confusedly at his wife) Well, perhaps one drink would be okay.

Fondulini: Okay, I gotta three bottles o' tonic.

Young Man: I thought you said you had gin.

Fondulini: Yeah.., gin and tonic! (laughs) Thatsa good one, eh?

Young Woman: Let's go, honey. We can go buy fish from the market downtown.

Fondulini: Okay, good-bye. I send over the lox tomorrow!

(They walk away, and a little boy comes over.)

Little Boy: Hi, mister.

Fondulini: You're a very little-a boy, I-a see. I'm not-a your mister, I'm not even-a your brother, I'm Fondulini, the fish man.

Little Boy: I'm sorry, Mr. Fetulini.

Fondulini: Eh, you crazy. Fetulini is that Italian-a noodles that are-a so soft and chewy.

Little Boy: Mr… Fondulini, my mommy wants me to get some fresh fish for the house.

Fondulini: Mice don't eat fish.

Little Boy: (giggling) No, not mouse, house!

Fondulini: Thatsa what I say.

Little Boy: Do you have trout?

Fondulini: I no trout. Itsa always better to-a smile then-a to trout.

Little Boy: You're funny, mister.

Fondulini: May I-a recommend some anchovies?

Little Boy: For what?

Fondulini: For-a pizza.

Little Boy: Mmm… pizza. But I can't. My mommy won't let me have pizza. She says it's too cheesy.

Fondulini: Kids-a toys are-a cheesy. Pizza's-a not that-a cheesy.

Little Boy: But it has cheese on it!

Fondulini: Hmm? Thatsa crazy. I make-a good pizza without any-a cheese.

Little Boy: Cheese makes pizza taste good! You're weird, mister.

(The little boy runs off. Fondulini receives a phone call.)

Fondulini: Hello. You've-a reached Fondulini, the fish man. Whadda you want?

Mr. Devon: Hello, Fondulini! How goes business?

Fondulini: Oh! Hello, boss! Itsa doing fine.

Mr. Devon: Splendid! I was just about to check my latest profits.

Fondulini: Cough it? Yeah, I'd cough it outta the window if I were you, boss.

Mr. Devon: Oh, charming as always, Mr. Fondulini!

Fondulini: Thank-a you, boss.

(They hang up.)

Mr. Devon: Now, let me see how much I'm making.

(He takes a file out of a cabinet.)

Mr. Devon: Good gracious! I'm losing money! (gets angry) Oh, that double-crossing idiot! I'll teach him to run me out of business!


End file.
